Eleven months ago I faced the hardest thing to ever cross my path, the loss of my little brother who had been essentially my twin throughout our lives together. I had been in Australia visiting my friends and exploring the country for around one and a half months, had just settled into staying at my boyfriend’s house, and had just applied to study at the University of Newcastle. I received a message from my family back in the United States saying that my brother had been in a motorcycle accident on his way to the doctor on base in Japan. A few hours later I got the message that he didn’t make it, my world shattered.
If it wasn’t for the support and comfort that my partner, his parents, and our friends gave me I know I wouldn’t be as I am today. Throughout my life I have lost many who were close to me, people I looked up to, strove to make proud, and would have gladly sacrificed my own life to protect theirs. In the past I have dealt with the loss on my own, never before had I experienced such an amasing support group. So to say having the support group I do today has made all the difference would be a huge understatement. I have come to the humbling realisation that I cannot do everything on my own.
If you’ve ever lost someone close to you, you know how alone it can make you feel and dealing with the loss can be a very difficult and trying thing. You may feel abandoned by your friends and family, angry about what happened, frustrated by the injustice of it all, all while being filled with extreme sadness and loneliness making everything seem hopeless. There are lots of resources available to people grieving, ranging from counsellors to support groups. Making use of these resources can help you through the toughest patches.
For USA military families there are organisations like the Survivor Outreach Services (SOS) and the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) that not only help you connect with other organisations such as the American Widow Project (AWP), Gold Star Mothers of America and Gold Star Wives of America but help you connect with others who have lost people they care about too.
Ann Mora, a Korean widow to a US Army serviceman, decided to stay in the USA after the death of her husband with their little boy. Ann, who has participated in a few of the groups, told me about how there’s “widow politics” in the widow groups and a “widow hierarchy” in each group.
“Not only is there judgement from people outside the groups, but there’s also judgement from inside the groups. Everyone thinks that because they’ve lost their spouse they can tell me how to run my life and how to make decisions like financial stuff. With dating, some guilt you about moving on and others guilt you about not moving on yet. Ones who have moved on faster than they would have liked try to get you to move on too, ‘Ann you need to go to Seattle and have a one night stand… get out of dormancy and you’ll feel better.’ Why would I want to do that?”
Her experiences with the other groups she’s a part of, TAPS and SOS, have been more positive. While it can be really emotional she finds that it’s like a big family who’s there to help lift your burden when you most need it. They teach her and others different ways to cope with their grief, help them network with others who can potentially help. “There’s something about going to an event and not having people go ‘that’s what happens when people go to war’ or ‘lots of people die over there all the time’ without being judged.” She’s made friendships where they all help each other and create these new little families and support each other through them. Ann’s parting words ring through my head, “there’s no specific way to grieve, there’s as many ways to grieve as there are people in this world.”
If you’re like me and a student, your school probably has counsellors that are there for you to talk to. They provide you with a safe environment for processing your emotions while not telling you what to do. Counsellors help you to find the solution and the strength inside you to overcome the extreme feelings that come with losing a loved one. Counsellors are also a very handy source of information; they can provide you with all sorts of booklets and pamphlets with lots of useful information. When meeting with my counsellor I felt at ease, as if I could confide in her everything that I was going through. Not only did we talk about the loss of my brother, but we talked about how I was handling being so far from my family and friends in the States, how my partner and I were doing, and then a few weeks ago how I wasn’t handling the death of my best friend.